I Fail at This One Thing More Than Anything Else in My Life

If you’ve read my other blogs, you’ll know that I am a unique person. I am not the same as others. I have a different mindset. What you might not know is that I am fat. Like fat, fat. Like obese fat. I have been trying to lose weight for a very long time. I’ve tried so many different kinds of “diets” or lose weight in different ways. I got stuck on, I had a routine, and then I ruined it. I self-sabotage. You’d think that knowing that I self-sabotage every time that I’d try not to do that. I’m just not sure how I even do it.

Nobody I know talks about the fears about losing weight. I will talk about mine and then what I have tried in the past and what I am starting this week as I put out this blog to follow my progress. I will most likely update every two weeks so it doesn’t end up being super short each week. As you probably know by now, I don’t write short blogs. Oh boy, this is real. I have these fears. I will have too much skin leftover that either I have to spend a lot of money to get rid of the skin that will be super loose and gross. I am afraid I will hate the way I look when I lose weight. I am worried my husband will find me disgusting and unattractive once I lose the weight. I’m afraid I will lose it all and gain it all back. I’m scared of disappointing myself in the end, which is all I seem to do. These are my fears. They are real—my biggest worries.I have tried so many different things and as someone who is tall for women and big and wide, I’ve tried things that even Google reviews tell you not to try, but I did.

I tried the Atkins diet in high school. I remember giving up bread, carbs, candy, certain vegetables, and then slowly adding them back in. I did lose weight but I gained it all back. I also tried eating vegetarian and giving up dairy. I failed, I love cheese and I really enjoy bacon, chicken, and steak—such a hard thing to give up, seriously. I already have had food aversions in my earlier years, and I had an undiagnosed eating disorder and just giving up food to eventually be able to eat once again, and it sucked it ruined a lot of time spent. I started the Paleo way of eating. I gave up every aisle in the store. If it wasn’t veggies, fruit, meat, seafood, dairy, poultry, I couldn’t eat it. This meant when I walked into my Hannafords or Price Chopper.

I would get my veggies, fruit, meat, seafood, eggs, cheese, and leave the store. I’d ignore the beer, juices, and everything in between. I walked 30 mins a day, I did planks, I rode an indoor bike, I slept good, I ate well every meal. I told everyone what I could and couldn’t eat. I stayed on track, wrote in my journal, started to run up hills, downhills, and I could do a push-up. I was mentally and physically getting stronger. I felt so good, and I had lost 60 lbs in about five months. And then I had a bad day, and I had terrible days after that and continuing to spiral and then I gave up. I ate a freakin oreo, and to this day, I don’t really eat Oreos because it screwed me up mentally; even though it was my mistake, it one cheat, and I let it ruin the rest of the weight I had lost.

Later down the road, I just gave up; if I couldn’t do it, then it wasn’t worth it. I was later on diagnosed with an eating disorder of Bulimia. I eventually started Paleo again and I did better this time. I had a friend who did it with me, which made it easier to stay on track. I stayed on track with eating, eating better. I went to the gym at night after working 8-hour shifts and then would try to get more exercise in at night before bed. I slept so well back then. I was losing weight. I started at 310, and I wanted to get down to 200 pounds to start and then continue my goal. I eventually got down to 220 and I lost weight, and then I sabotaged myself again. After my friend left to go back to her state I kept on trying to keep the weight off. When I met the love of my life I had weighted 201 pounds and I felt so amazing. I actually felt sexy which showed all the confidence that I had throughout our relationship. Then life started to get hard and complicated, and I began to sabotage myself again, again, and again… It was bad. I began to dislike my body again and felt unsexy, unattractive, fugly.

This year 2020, I started again. I weighed in at 325.5. My husband went off to travel for work before the pandemic began, and I decided that I would walk every day no matter what the weather was. I walked in the sun, the rain, the snow, the sleet, freezing weather in the morning, warmth in the afternoon, the darkness. I eventually would eat, sleep, walk, eat, sleep, walk, and loved it. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I ate smaller portions, and I ate more veggies, rice, and meat for lunch and dinner. Every meal was delicious and enjoyable, every snack was delicious, and I drank lots and lots of water. Instead of food making me stop losing weight, it became a thing of being sick in general. I stopped walking because I didn’t have the energy. I got ill and lost 25 pounds. Once I lost a lot of weight in a very unhealthy way, I started to eat again, and I gained it all back plus the weight I lost before I got sick.

This time around, I have measured parts of my body, weighed myself, and just made better choices. This is the start of my first week; like I said I will update every two weeks. I want to share my life in general but also because there are bigger women out there that might feel like you can’t do it, you can’t lose the weight because someone said you can’t. BUT you can! I keep trying, and this time I won’t give up, I can’t self-sabotage because I am writing about it here, I am keeping a journal, I have written a big sign in the bedroom, bathroom, on my fridge, and on my list showing that I can do this, I will do this. I will not continue to be unhealthy and live in fear of something that might not actually affect me. Here we go.

August 31st, 2020

Weight: 319.4lbs

Neck: 19in

Upper Chest: 52.5in

Lower Chest: 52in

Above belly button: 58.5in

Below belly button: 58in

Hips: 50.5in

R Thigh: 27in

L Thigh: 27in

R Calf: 19.5in

L Calf: 19.5in

R upper arm: 14.5

L upper arm: 14.5

R forearm: 11.5

L forearm: 11.5

R ankle: 10.5

L ankle: 10.5

Foot Size: 9.5 men, 11.5W Women

Top Size: 3x-4x

Dress Size 4x

Bottoms: 22W-24W

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